Further Emotional Pain

Thursday 21st February 2019 – Diary 

Trigger Warning

Last night I did another cut, I am hurting so much, I need to be able to talk, but I’ve got no one to talk to, and I can’t keep using helplines.

This morning I did another cut I feel so angry with myself for how I have treated my family, or should I say my ex-family.

I want to crawl out of my skin. I hate who I am. I hate how I feel. I hate how I look. I don’t know how I can stop this self mutating because I am hurting so much.

I am lost.

Why I Self-Harm?

Wednesday 21st February 2019 – Diary

Trigger Warning

As you all know, I lost my court case to see my son more often.  On Tuesday passed divorce proceedings were started against me.

I feel that I am a total failure and useless.  I feel ugly and I hate the way I look the way I talk the sound of my voice.

Tuesday was an extremely difficult day for me it was the 13th anniversary when I met my then wife.

My memories flow back to have those days were.  Happy, joyful, excited, caring and loved.

Now however I am so miserable and isolated.  Filled with anger.  It’s my fault that I’m in the situation I must take responsibility.

The pain that I’m feeling is excruciating and scary.  At night, I am scared the smallest sound triggers me and memories flood in.

Last night was my first night, in which, I cut myself deliberately.  It helps the mental pain, briefly.

I have relapsed with my eating.  I am now taking no smoothies or soup, so in effect I am starving myself because I hate how I feel and how I look.

My ex constantly told me off for how fat I had become and when I was over 100kg she would say “you’re one-tenth of a tonne”.  I know she meant it as a joke and it’s like my jokes, but it hurt.  I am so isolated that I want to die.