Friday 22nd February 2019 – Diary
Recently I have only understood why people cut themselves. I thought it was just wanting Attention.
But as I have started to cut myself it is not for attention but an attempt to try and ease mental unease.
Thursday 21st February 2019 – Diary
Last night I did another cut, I am hurting so much, I need to be able to talk, but I’ve got no one to talk to, and I can’t keep using helplines.
This morning I did another cut I feel so angry with myself for how I have treated my family, or should I say my ex-family.
I want to crawl out of my skin. I hate who I am. I hate how I feel. I hate how I look. I don’t know how I can stop this self mutating because I am hurting so much.
I am lost.
Wednesday 21st February 2019 – Diary
As you all know, I lost my court case to see my son more often. On Tuesday passed divorce proceedings were started against me.
I feel that I am a total failure and useless. I feel ugly and I hate the way I look the way I talk the sound of my voice.
Tuesday was an extremely difficult day for me it was the 13th anniversary when I met my then wife.
My memories flow back to have those days were. Happy, joyful, excited, caring and loved.
Now however I am so miserable and isolated. Filled with anger. It’s my fault that I’m in the situation I must take responsibility.
The pain that I’m feeling is excruciating and scary. At night, I am scared the smallest sound triggers me and memories flood in.
Last night was my first night, in which, I cut myself deliberately. It helps the mental pain, briefly.
I have relapsed with my eating. I am now taking no smoothies or soup, so in effect I am starving myself because I hate how I feel and how I look.
My ex constantly told me off for how fat I had become and when I was over 100kg she would say “you’re one-tenth of a tonne”. I know she meant it as a joke and it’s like my jokes, but it hurt. I am so isolated that I want to die.
Tuesday 19th February 2019 – Diary
I am very upset by the events of today and the events of the last few weeks. I have nothing to OD with, but I feel like cutting myself.
I need the pain in my head and in my heart to ease.
I really want to cut.