Friday 19th April 2019 – Diary
Today I’ve been working on my blog and updating it. I have been busy doing this and did not notice my feelings.
I am lonely I wish I had someone with me that loved me for who I am. Normally I would be busy talking to my adopted daughter but she’s not online at the moment. Out of all the people on my list on Facebook there’s no one to talk to. It’s sad that I rely on social media to keep me content but I do not know any other way.
I am avoiding doing necessary tasks like cleaning my flat I don’t want to start but I know I should. I know I will get angry with myself for failing to do this but it seems such a big effort for little reward.
I am going to go to my writers group tonight it’s in the Jailhouse bar, my very first night going to this group was in this place and it took me forever to find it.
How can I win over my negativity? I must remain positive in my way of thinking.
Wednesday 6th March 2019 – 09:30 – Diary
What I hate about emotionally unstable personality disorder and the other personal disorders that I’ve got is as following
I think for me it’s emotional cause I got emotional unstable personality disorder so one minute I could be friendly and then the next minute pushing away but I don’t mean to as the saying goes a push is better than a shove. Or another way of putting it go before your thrown out I fear rejection more than anything else.
My emotions go from high, I’m excited with happiness to all of a sudden Sadness in a blink of an eye. It hurts a lot.
Tuesday 5th March 2019 – Diary
The last three weeks I have allowed my emotions to rule me, ❤ heart and mind 🤯. I have realised that my son
🙎♂️ would want me to be strong 🏋️♀️💪 and ‘keeping’ it together. 🙎♂️ He does not understand 💭why I do not live 🏚with him. He may be thinking Daddy is happy 😀 where he is? I must show him that he is right.
I only see him two times a year and I need not to be a wreck but a happy person. Break ups are difficult. But it is the best for him, I know and I accept.
So now I need to start planning my life and become happy. 😀
Friday 22nd February 2019 – Diary
Recently I have only understood why people cut themselves. I thought it was just wanting Attention.
But as I have started to cut myself it is not for attention but an attempt to try and ease mental unease.
Wednesday 21st February 2019 – Diary
As you all know, I lost my court case to see my son more often. On Tuesday passed divorce proceedings were started against me.
I feel that I am a total failure and useless. I feel ugly and I hate the way I look the way I talk the sound of my voice.
Tuesday was an extremely difficult day for me it was the 13th anniversary when I met my then wife.
My memories flow back to have those days were. Happy, joyful, excited, caring and loved.
Now however I am so miserable and isolated. Filled with anger. It’s my fault that I’m in the situation I must take responsibility.
The pain that I’m feeling is excruciating and scary. At night, I am scared the smallest sound triggers me and memories flood in.
Last night was my first night, in which, I cut myself deliberately. It helps the mental pain, briefly.
I have relapsed with my eating. I am now taking no smoothies or soup, so in effect I am starving myself because I hate how I feel and how I look.
My ex constantly told me off for how fat I had become and when I was over 100kg she would say “you’re one-tenth of a tonne”. I know she meant it as a joke and it’s like my jokes, but it hurt. I am so isolated that I want to die.
I find it very hard to change my way of thinking. My life situations have never been normal. They have been dangerous and very disturbing. These situations left me very #vulnerable to manipulation by those around me. Those people were in a position of authority, but also of trust, as a result they had power over me.
Those people by law had a duty to care for me. That was the very last thing they did. I am very critical of myself due to the treatment. I am reading an article I found on Psychology Today which discusses how we can change our way of thinking. The author Amy Morin states recognising “the blue thoughts” (2018). These are the thoughts that will lead us into a depressive state of mind and has an impact on our well-being (‘The Beginner’s Guide to Changing Negative Thoughts’).
My problem is, when I am in a depressive, a sad, state, beinging able to bring myself into a better mind set. I have no external people who can assist in changing my way of thinking. It is not like being on the television program ‘Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?’ Where a contestant can phone a friend!
What do you do to help yourself when you are in a blue moment? blue’ bluemoment?
References: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201 805/the-beginners-guide-changing-negative-thoughts
Tuesday 19th February 2019 – Diary
I spent a long time yesterday working on the blog. My mind is racing. I find it difficult sometimes to follow my thoughts. There are strands of thoughts flying everywhere. A lot of the time I don’t even think through a thought to completion.
My mind races, what would it be like not to constantly chase after yourself? Sometimes I must use a colour, a smell or even an object to remind myself about that one thought.
By the time I write the thought down the reason for that thought has gone. I know I have Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).
I did not put Classic FM on tonight so my mind had nothing to interact with while I began my attempt to get to sleep. Soon I have to get up. So sleep where are you?