Thoughts of how I view the world.

Friday 19th April 2019 – Diary

Today I’ve been working on my blog and updating it. I have been busy doing this and did not notice my feelings.

I am lonely I wish I had someone with me that loved me for who I am. Normally I would be busy talking to my adopted daughter but she’s not online at the moment. Out of all the people on my list on Facebook there’s no one to talk to. It’s sad that I rely on social media to keep me content but I do not know any other way.

I am avoiding doing necessary tasks like cleaning my flat I don’t want to start but I know I should. I know I will get angry with myself for failing to do this but it seems such a big effort for little reward.

I am going to go to my writers group tonight it’s in the Jailhouse bar, my very first night going to this group was in this place and it took me forever to find it.

How can I win over my negativity? I must remain positive in my way of thinking.

Why I Self-Harm?

Wednesday 21st February 2019 – Diary

Trigger Warning

As you all know, I lost my court case to see my son more often.  On Tuesday passed divorce proceedings were started against me.

I feel that I am a total failure and useless.  I feel ugly and I hate the way I look the way I talk the sound of my voice.

Tuesday was an extremely difficult day for me it was the 13th anniversary when I met my then wife.

My memories flow back to have those days were.  Happy, joyful, excited, caring and loved.

Now however I am so miserable and isolated.  Filled with anger.  It’s my fault that I’m in the situation I must take responsibility.

The pain that I’m feeling is excruciating and scary.  At night, I am scared the smallest sound triggers me and memories flood in.

Last night was my first night, in which, I cut myself deliberately.  It helps the mental pain, briefly.

I have relapsed with my eating.  I am now taking no smoothies or soup, so in effect I am starving myself because I hate how I feel and how I look.

My ex constantly told me off for how fat I had become and when I was over 100kg she would say “you’re one-tenth of a tonne”.  I know she meant it as a joke and it’s like my jokes, but it hurt.  I am so isolated that I want to die.