Not Sure What To Do With My Time

Saturday 23-02-2019 – Diary 

I got up this morning at 08:30. I went onto the computer and did some researching on groups on Facebook, played Farmville and then made a small bowl of soup.

I was watching a tv programme and decided to go ot sleep after that was finished. It is unusual for me to sleep during the day time. I woke up and it is sunny, but I do not want to go out and spend money. I make a smoothie, and I might have another one.

I have a load of things that I need to do but I just do not know where to start. I have done a little bit of knitting and I might do more. I hate the weekends. I find them very difficult.


Research; Men & Eating Disorders

Friday 22nd February 2019 – Diary

Trigger Warning,

Today, I have had a part successful day. Also part failure. I got out of my bed at 10:00 in the morning. I did not sleep well as normal.

I went and collected my medication and then went to drop a note off to my GP explaining that I was texting my Care Coordinator also referred to as CPN or Mental Health Nurse. They have not been replying to any of my messages and that is why I have begun cutting. I have no one to talk to and I am fed up with my noise in the head.

I was going to an organisation who helps vulnerble people. Then I sent an angry message to my CPN and Psycharist. The Psycharist replied which I was suprised because I thought she was off on holiday.

She told me to go straight to her and speak with her. She spent a while listening to me and understanding how lost of my son and the lost of my wife has had an impact upon me.

I told her that I was concerned about how my lack of eating is. She is concerned that I am hoping that the Eating Disorder team will solve my problems. She suggested that actually my experiences may ‘freak’ them out as they are very unlikely to have seen such a case as mine. She said that most of their patients will be women and adolescents.

According to the Guardian newspaper there has been a slight increase in men in my age group 26 – 40. They state that 67% of men in my age group have identified as having an eating disorder.

“The rate of increase was slightly higher among older men, at 70% for the 41-60 age group, compared with 67% in the 26-40 category and 63% among 19- to 25-year-olds. In the same period, there was a 61% increase among women aged 19 to 25 and a 76% rise among middle-aged women.” (Guardian, 1st July 2017 [online] 22/02/2019

I missed my appointment with the organisation in Croydon. However, I went to Croydon to buy my bits and pieces. I was dforced to spend just under two hours arguing with Ebay about changing my mobile number on my account. I am 90% deaf. I lost my mobile. I was transferred three times, an hour and and 20 minutes later I was finally put through to a manager as I still had not had my problem sorted out. I was told to ring. If I am deaf, get family or friends to ring! I told the man on the chat, I do not have family or friends to help me. So I went around in circles. I then relied on Text Relay.  to handle my call. As I can speak the operator texts me the other persons response to me. I was not shy in giving the Ebay manager a good telling of. Eventually, after being on the call for one hour and fifty seven minutes I got the mobile number changed.

I was and still am very upset in the the way they treated me. I was disrespected and my inabilities were completely ignored. It is very distressing for someone who has my type of mental health issues to be treated in this way. We can be told “it is our responsibility how we react”. But companies and people need to be aware of Mental Health Matters.

Part of me agrees that the Eating Disorder team may not be able to cope with my problems. But is it right that I am not getting any talking therapy? I cannot simply rely on helplines. I am not prepared to repeat my story all the time.


Sleep where are you?

Tuesday 19th February 2019 – Diary

I spent a long time yesterday working on the blog. My mind is racing. I find it difficult sometimes to follow my thoughts. There are strands of thoughts flying everywhere. A lot of the time I don’t even think through a thought to completion.

My mind races, what would it be like not to constantly chase after yourself? Sometimes I must use a colour, a smell or even an object to remind myself about that one thought.

By the time I write the thought down the reason for that thought has gone. I know I have Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).

I did not put Classic FM on tonight so my mind had nothing to interact with while I began my attempt to get to sleep. Soon I have to get up. So sleep where are you?