Research; Men & Eating Disorders

Friday 22nd February 2019 – Diary
Posted on 22nd February 2019

Trigger Warning:

Today, I have had a part successful day. Also part failure. I got out of my bed at 10:00 in the morning. I did not sleep well as normal.

I went and collected my medication and then went to drop a note off to my GP explaining that I was texting my Care Coordinator also referred to as CPN or Mental Health Nurse. They have not been replying to any of my messages and that is why I have begun cutting. I have no one to talk to and I am fed up with my noise in the head.

I was going to an organisation who helps vulnerble people. Then I sent an angry message to my CPN and Psycharist. The Psycharist replied which I was suprised because I thought she was off on holiday.

She told me to go straight to her and speak with her. She spent a while listening to me and understanding how lost of my son and the lost of my wife has had an impact upon me.

I told her that I was concerned about how my lack of eating is. She is concerned that I am hoping that the Eating Disorder team will solve my problems. She suggested that actually my experiences may ‘freak’ them out as they are very unlikely to have seen such a case as mine. She said that most of their patients will be women and adolescents.

According to the Guardian newspaper there has been a slight increase in men in my age group 26 – 40. They state that 67% of men in my age group have identified as having an eating disorder.

“The rate of increase was slightly higher among older men, at 70% for the 41-60 age group, compared with 67% in the 26-40 category and 63% among 19- to 25-year-olds. In the same period, there was a 61% increase among women aged 19 to 25 and a 76% rise among middle-aged women.” (Guardian, 1st July 2017 [online] 22/02/2019

I missed my appointment with the organisation in Croydon. However, I went to Croydon to buy my bits and pieces. I was dforced to spend just under two hours arguing with Ebay about changing my mobile number on my account. I am 90% deaf. I lost my mobile. I was transferred three times, an hour and and 20 minutes later I was finally put through to a manager as I still had not had my problem sorted out. I was told to ring. If I am deaf, get family or friends to ring! I told the man on the chat, I do not have family or friends to help me. So I went around in circles. I then relied on Text Relay  to handle my call. As I can speak the operator texts me the other persons response to me. I was not shy in giving the Ebay manager a good telling of. Eventually, after being on the call for one hour and fifty seven minutes I got the mobile number changed.

I was and still am very upset in the the way they treated me. I was disrespected and my inabilities were completely ignored. It is very distressing for someone who has my type of mental health issues to be treated in this way. We can be told “it is our responsibility how we react”. But companies and people need to be aware of Mental Health Matters.

Part of me agrees that the Eating Disorder team may not be able to cope with my problems. But is it right that I am not getting any talking therapy? I cannot simply rely on helplines. I am not prepared to repeat my story all the time.


Mental Health Diagnosis

Sunday 3rd March 2019 – Diary

I have self-harmed. I have tried suicide and I can’t even manage that correctly.

I have been diagnosed as:

With symptoms consistent with depressive illness including thoughts of self harm and suicide, features of anxiety including panic attacks, agoraphobia and distressing flashbacks. To have a severe mixed personality disorder with features of Schizotypal, paranoid and anti-social personality disorders and more recently diagnosed with EUPD (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder).

Diagnostic threshold for all three severe personality pathology subscales of schizotypal avoidant, depressive and masochistic (self-defeating) personality traits and dependent and negativistic personality pathology….”

At the same time I have become an anorexic and have not eaten solid food for 29 weeks.

Basically, there is no hope for me.

I am male, 39, single.


Wednesday 6th of March 2019 – Diary

Trigger Warning

This post discusses the outcomes for a person recovering from incest, sexual abuse and other forms of trauma.

Today I would like to share why I am accepting my current position relating to how often I see my son.

I know that some will accuse me of giving up fighting for what is right. For abandoning him – my son.

I grew up in the Northern Irish care in the 1980’s and first half 1990’s. Life at that time was extremely difficult because of the ‘Troubles’.

Child abuse was a taboo subject. We know that it is happening but looked the other way, it is better for the child to be with the family.

Brief history of me:

I was put into care because of incestous abuse by my father, mother, they had severe alcohol problems. Both parents had differnt multiple partners. Life was hell.

I was brought into care aged 5 years and 10 months. One of my father’s girlfriends broke my nose. I can’t remember the circumstances, but I will probably reveal it when I finally get therapy.

In care, my half sister who is around 8 years older, kept raping me for 6 years. Staff saw it happening but I can’t remember if any action was taken. The abuse only stopped when she was too old to be in the home.

From the age of seven my ‘mother’ came and saw me four times a year. Then suddenly from the age of 10 she stopped contacting me. I kept making excuses for why she would do such a thing.

The staff at the home would say her faults and I would get angry. My expectation was for her (‘Mother’) to be there. The outcome for the next years was very self destructive. It has damaged me beyond words can express.

I was yearning for the person who brought me in to this world to love me. At the family get together’s, (in the children’s home) my half sister would be angry with ‘Mother’. This would upset me.

Fast forward to I am 17 years old, living on the streets of London. Begging. Cold. Angry. Now I understood her anger. I began becoming angry at that woman ‘called’ my mother.

I am now 39 years old. I have never had proper counselling. My son is 8. Has learning difficulties and has language delay, his educational age is about 3 or 4.

I have come to terms with the Family Courts decision to allow me two contacts a year, one letter to him a year and to have one photograph of him a year.

My Mental Illnesses has lead me to make stupid choices, selfish decisions and potential reckless consequences on me and potentially for him.

Do I want to damage him? Do I want to make a decision that could harm his future? Do I want to cause him truma that he too needs psychiatric treatment which he will never over come?

I have no control over my emotions. I fear the harm it could lead to. I find it difficult to think before I speak, act before I do and cope with the emotions afterwards. I can come to terms of the impact on me, my actions, I am responsible for them. See my post on my Mental Health Diagnosis:

Finally, I could do nothing and continue leading a sad and miserble life or I could fall into addiction and make my life more hell. Or I can accept what has happened, understand why things have happened and not make the same mistake again.

Having EUPD (Emotionally Unstabled Personality Disorder) and a few other things is painful. I grasp at everyone I meet to have friendship. Then in the next moment I am scared, will they reject me because I am desperate to be loved?

I wanted to share this because I know some people have been abandoned by their parents/siblings and are struggling to understand why. Some are considering finding them.

I find it extremely difficult to connect with men because of the fourteen years of sexual abuse by Christian Brothers and the Catholic Church.