Why I Self-Harm?

Wednesday 21st February 2019 – Diary

Trigger Warning

As you all know, I lost my court case to see my son more often.  On Tuesday passed divorce proceedings were started against me.

I feel that I am a total failure and useless.  I feel ugly and I hate the way I look the way I talk the sound of my voice.

Tuesday was an extremely difficult day for me it was the 13th anniversary when I met my then wife.

My memories flow back to have those days were.  Happy, joyful, excited, caring and loved.

Now however I am so miserable and isolated.  Filled with anger.  It’s my fault that I’m in the situation I must take responsibility.

The pain that I’m feeling is excruciating and scary.  At night, I am scared the smallest sound triggers me and memories flood in.

Last night was my first night, in which, I cut myself deliberately.  It helps the mental pain, briefly.

I have relapsed with my eating.  I am now taking no smoothies or soup, so in effect I am starving myself because I hate how I feel and how I look.

My ex constantly told me off for how fat I had become and when I was over 100kg she would say “you’re one-tenth of a tonne”.  I know she meant it as a joke and it’s like my jokes, but it hurt.  I am so isolated that I want to die.

Interview

Interview

You stop me ask me my name
I tell you
You ask my age
I tell you
Your reply "aren't you a bit young to be on the streets"
"No" is my reply
Why you ask
"It's cos of what I have done, what I've went through"

"Tell me
What do you mean?"
"Leave me, leave me
Let me live my life, my life, not your life.
I dont want to go through:"

"Interview of Pain
Interview of Hurt
Interview of Sadness
Interview of Rejection
Interview of Memories"

I don't want a bed for life
I just want to rest for a while
So what's all these questions.
When I'm told I've to high of support needs,
I go "what do you fucking mean?"
What am I meant to do?
I don't want to go through that interview.

This poem was written when I was homeless in 1999,
I had been homeless for over four years in Central Loondon and could not get anywhere to stay.