Not Sure What To Do With My Time

Saturday 23-02-2019 – Diary 

I got up this morning at 08:30. I went onto the computer and did some researching on groups on Facebook, played Farmville and then made a small bowl of soup.

I was watching a tv programme and decided to go ot sleep after that was finished. It is unusual for me to sleep during the day time. I woke up and it is sunny, but I do not want to go out and spend money. I make a smoothie, and I might have another one.

I have a load of things that I need to do but I just do not know where to start. I have done a little bit of knitting and I might do more. I hate the weekends. I find them very difficult.

Why I Self-Harm?

Wednesday 21st February 2019 – Diary

Trigger Warning

As you all know, I lost my court case to see my son more often.  On Tuesday passed divorce proceedings were started against me.

I feel that I am a total failure and useless.  I feel ugly and I hate the way I look the way I talk the sound of my voice.

Tuesday was an extremely difficult day for me it was the 13th anniversary when I met my then wife.

My memories flow back to have those days were.  Happy, joyful, excited, caring and loved.

Now however I am so miserable and isolated.  Filled with anger.  It’s my fault that I’m in the situation I must take responsibility.

The pain that I’m feeling is excruciating and scary.  At night, I am scared the smallest sound triggers me and memories flood in.

Last night was my first night, in which, I cut myself deliberately.  It helps the mental pain, briefly.

I have relapsed with my eating.  I am now taking no smoothies or soup, so in effect I am starving myself because I hate how I feel and how I look.

My ex constantly told me off for how fat I had become and when I was over 100kg she would say “you’re one-tenth of a tonne”.  I know she meant it as a joke and it’s like my jokes, but it hurt.  I am so isolated that I want to die.

Nothing Left

Tuesday 9th April 2019 – Diary

I have nothing now

Not a friend to call upon

To give a listening ear

To comfort my fears

I have nobody now

Everyday is a long day

Just I and My Shadow

Just I and My thoughts

Those thoughts that never stop

Spinning and weaving the lack of confidence within me

Multiplying many times the doubt that cripples me

Enhancing my hate for myself

I have nobody now, not a soul in sight.

Tuesday 19th February 2019