Thoughts of how I view the world.

Friday 19th April 2019 – Diary

Today I’ve been working on my blog and updating it. I have been busy doing this and did not notice my feelings.

I am lonely I wish I had someone with me that loved me for who I am. Normally I would be busy talking to my adopted daughter but she’s not online at the moment. Out of all the people on my list on Facebook there’s no one to talk to. It’s sad that I rely on social media to keep me content but I do not know any other way.

I am avoiding doing necessary tasks like cleaning my flat I don’t want to start but I know I should. I know I will get angry with myself for failing to do this but it seems such a big effort for little reward.

I am going to go to my writers group tonight it’s in the Jailhouse bar, my very first night going to this group was in this place and it took me forever to find it.

How can I win over my negativity? I must remain positive in my way of thinking.

Acceptance

Wednesday 6th of March 2019 – Diary

Trigger Warning

This post discusses the outcomes for a person recovering from incest, sexual abuse and other forms of trauma.

Today I would like to share why I am accepting my current position relating to how often I see my son.

I know that some will accuse me of giving up fighting for what is right. For abandoning him – my son.

I grew up in the Northern Irish care in the 1980’s and first half 1990’s. Life at that time was extremely difficult because of the ‘Troubles’.

Child abuse was a taboo subject. We know that it is happening but looked the other way, it is better for the child to be with the family.

Brief history of me:

I was put into care because of incestous abuse by my father, mother, they had severe alcohol problems. Both parents had differnt multiple partners. Life was hell.

I was brought into care aged 5 years and 10 months. One of my father’s girlfriends broke my nose. I can’t remember the circumstances, but I will probably reveal it when I finally get therapy.

In care, my half sister who is around 8 years older, kept raping me for 6 years. Staff saw it happening but I can’t remember if any action was taken. The abuse only stopped when she was too old to be in the home.

From the age of seven my ‘mother’ came and saw me four times a year. Then suddenly from the age of 10 she stopped contacting me. I kept making excuses for why she would do such a thing.

The staff at the home would say her faults and I would get angry. My expectation was for her (‘Mother’) to be there. The outcome for the next years was very self destructive. It has damaged me beyond words can express.

I was yearning for the person who brought me in to this world to love me. At the family get together’s, (in the children’s home) my half sister would be angry with ‘Mother’. This would upset me.

Fast forward to I am 17 years old, living on the streets of London. Begging. Cold. Angry. Now I understood her anger. I began becoming angry at that woman ‘called’ my mother.

I am now 39 years old. I have never had proper counselling. My son is 8. Has learning difficulties and has language delay, his educational age is about 3 or 4.

I have come to terms with the Family Courts decision to allow me two contacts a year, one letter to him a year and to have one photograph of him a year.

My Mental Illnesses has lead me to make stupid choices, selfish decisions and potential reckless consequences on me and potentially for him.

Do I want to damage him? Do I want to make a decision that could harm his future? Do I want to cause him truma that he too needs psychiatric treatment which he will never over come?

I have no control over my emotions. I fear the harm it could lead to. I find it difficult to think before I speak, act before I do and cope with the emotions afterwards. I can come to terms of the impact on me, my actions, I am responsible for them. See my post on my Mental Health Diagnosis:
https://takaflightorfight.com/2019/03/10/mental-health-diagnosis/

Finally, I could do nothing and continue leading a sad and miserble life or I could fall into addiction and make my life more hell. Or I can accept what has happened, understand why things have happened and not make the same mistake again.

Having EUPD (Emotionally Unstabled Personality Disorder) and a few other things is painful. I grasp at everyone I meet to have friendship. Then in the next moment I am scared, will they reject me because I am desperate to be loved?

I wanted to share this because I know some people have been abandoned by their parents/siblings and are struggling to understand why. Some are considering finding them.

I find it extremely difficult to connect with men because of the fourteen years of sexual abuse by Christian Brothers and the Catholic Church.

Movement

Getting to Grips

Tuesday 5th March 2019 – Diary 

The last three weeks I have allowed my emotions to rule me, ❤ heart and mind 🤯. I have realised that my son
🙎‍♂️ would want me to be strong 🏋️‍♀️💪 and ‘keeping’ it together. 🙎‍♂️ He does not understand 💭why I do not live 🏚with him. He may be thinking Daddy is happy 😀 where he is? I must show him that he is right.

I only see him two times a year and I need not to be a wreck but a happy person. Break ups are difficult. But it is the best for him, I know and I accept.

So now I need to start planning my life and become happy. 😀

Why I Self-Harm?

Wednesday 21st February 2019 – Diary

Trigger Warning

As you all know, I lost my court case to see my son more often.  On Tuesday passed divorce proceedings were started against me.

I feel that I am a total failure and useless.  I feel ugly and I hate the way I look the way I talk the sound of my voice.

Tuesday was an extremely difficult day for me it was the 13th anniversary when I met my then wife.

My memories flow back to have those days were.  Happy, joyful, excited, caring and loved.

Now however I am so miserable and isolated.  Filled with anger.  It’s my fault that I’m in the situation I must take responsibility.

The pain that I’m feeling is excruciating and scary.  At night, I am scared the smallest sound triggers me and memories flood in.

Last night was my first night, in which, I cut myself deliberately.  It helps the mental pain, briefly.

I have relapsed with my eating.  I am now taking no smoothies or soup, so in effect I am starving myself because I hate how I feel and how I look.

My ex constantly told me off for how fat I had become and when I was over 100kg she would say “you’re one-tenth of a tonne”.  I know she meant it as a joke and it’s like my jokes, but it hurt.  I am so isolated that I want to die.