Sunday 3rd March 2019 – Diary
I have self-harmed. I have tried suicide and I can’t even manage that correctly.
I have been diagnosed as:
With symptoms consistent with depressive illness including thoughts of self harm and suicide, features of anxiety including panic attacks, agoraphobia and distressing flashbacks. To have a severe mixed personality disorder with features of Schizotypal, paranoid and anti-social personality disorders and more recently diagnosed with EUPD (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder).
Diagnostic threshold for all three severe personality pathology subscales of schizotypal avoidant, depressive and masochistic (self-defeating) personality traits and dependent and negativistic personality pathology….”
At the same time I have become an anorexic and have not eaten solid food for 29 weeks.
Basically, there is no hope for me.
I am male, 39, single.
Saturday 8th March 2019 – Diary
Weekend is always my difficult time for me. Seeing fathers especially with their kids. School holidays is another time I struggle.
I can’t socialise with men. They trigger me to much.
I need help.
25th February 2019 – Diary
This is how I am feeling at the moment, hiding. Hiding from the real world.
Friday 22nd February 2019 – Diary
Recently I have only understood why people cut themselves. I thought it was just wanting Attention.
But as I have started to cut myself it is not for attention but an attempt to try and ease mental unease.
Wednesday 21st February 2019 – Diary
As you all know, I lost my court case to see my son more often. On Tuesday passed divorce proceedings were started against me.
I feel that I am a total failure and useless. I feel ugly and I hate the way I look the way I talk the sound of my voice.
Tuesday was an extremely difficult day for me it was the 13th anniversary when I met my then wife.
My memories flow back to have those days were. Happy, joyful, excited, caring and loved.
Now however I am so miserable and isolated. Filled with anger. It’s my fault that I’m in the situation I must take responsibility.
The pain that I’m feeling is excruciating and scary. At night, I am scared the smallest sound triggers me and memories flood in.
Last night was my first night, in which, I cut myself deliberately. It helps the mental pain, briefly.
I have relapsed with my eating. I am now taking no smoothies or soup, so in effect I am starving myself because I hate how I feel and how I look.
My ex constantly told me off for how fat I had become and when I was over 100kg she would say “you’re one-tenth of a tonne”. I know she meant it as a joke and it’s like my jokes, but it hurt. I am so isolated that I want to die.
I find it very hard to change my way of thinking. My life situations have never been normal. They have been dangerous and very disturbing. These situations left me very #vulnerable to manipulation by those around me. Those people were in a position of authority, but also of trust, as a result they had power over me.
Those people by law had a duty to care for me. That was the very last thing they did. I am very critical of myself due to the treatment. I am reading an article I found on Psychology Today which discusses how we can change our way of thinking. The author Amy Morin states recognising “the blue thoughts” (2018). These are the thoughts that will lead us into a depressive state of mind and has an impact on our well-being (‘The Beginner’s Guide to Changing Negative Thoughts’).
My problem is, when I am in a depressive, a sad, state, beinging able to bring myself into a better mind set. I have no external people who can assist in changing my way of thinking. It is not like being on the television program ‘Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?’ Where a contestant can phone a friend!
What do you do to help yourself when you are in a blue moment? blue’ bluemoment?
References: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201 805/the-beginners-guide-changing-negative-thoughts