Friday 19th April 2019 – Diary
Today, Friday the 19th of April, is the fourth week I have come out as a Trans Woman. My life as a woman has been great, other than last friday when I was robbed. I am loving my new clothes and the feeling that these bring to me. It is hard to explain how I am feeling everyday. But I do not have that dark cloud hanging over me that I had when I was in the ‘closet’.
I am now starting to put make-up on and I am enjoying the self-care that I show myself. This ‘mothering’ care is enhancing the quality of my everyday life. Before I came out, I found looking after myself very difficult, actually if I am completely honest, it did not exist. It was a chore that I did not like doing. I did not respect myself and this increased my depression and the hate I had for myself.
My new love for myself has given me a new release of life. Everyday is a new start. I take pride in how I look. I am lucky to be able express myself in this way without judgement. In many countries and terrorities the way I express myself is not possible.
On Facebook, I am in contact with at least one person who is not able to express themselves. They want to be a woman, but born as a man, (this is known as M to F (MtoF)). This person is very depressed and they feel lost. I could not imagine how they are coping.
According to the Guardian newspaper’s website there are sevent-two (72) countries that it is illegal to have or to be in a Gay relationship (2017). The article also states that there are forty-five (45) countries in which being in a lesbian relationships is also illegal.
The article further states “there were twenty (20) countries who decriminialised same sex relationships before the 1900’s” (2017). This allowed same sex relationships. Britian only decriminalised it fifty (50) years ago.
The article shows a detailed map of the world where being in a gay reationship can be punished by death or inprisonment.
Saturday 8th March 2019 – Diary
Weekend is always my difficult time for me. Seeing fathers especially with their kids. School holidays is another time I struggle.
I can’t socialise with men. They trigger me to much.
I need help.
Friday 8th March 2019 – Diary
I suffer from an eating disorder called Avoidant Reluctant Food Intake Disorder (ARFID) when stressed the suffer finds it difficult to eat.
It’s started I was feeling nauseous when I tried to eat. I then stopped eating. Then I have seen how my weight has been reducing. I have started counting calories and carbs. Yesterday I was trying to walk up a hill. I bought packet of biscuits. I ate three. As soon as I got to the top I vomited. I am still extremely fat. I need to lose another 10 kg before I can even consider anything. I am tired.
25th February 2019 – Diary
This is how I am feeling at the moment, hiding. Hiding from the real world.
Friday 22nd February 2019 – Diary
Recently I have only understood why people cut themselves. I thought it was just wanting Attention.
But as I have started to cut myself it is not for attention but an attempt to try and ease mental unease.
Thursday 21st February 2019 – Diary
Last night I did another cut, I am hurting so much, I need to be able to talk, but I’ve got no one to talk to, and I can’t keep using helplines.
This morning I did another cut I feel so angry with myself for how I have treated my family, or should I say my ex-family.
I want to crawl out of my skin. I hate who I am. I hate how I feel. I hate how I look. I don’t know how I can stop this self mutating because I am hurting so much.
I am lost.
Wednesday 21st February 2019 – Diary
As you all know, I lost my court case to see my son more often. On Tuesday passed divorce proceedings were started against me.
I feel that I am a total failure and useless. I feel ugly and I hate the way I look the way I talk the sound of my voice.
Tuesday was an extremely difficult day for me it was the 13th anniversary when I met my then wife.
My memories flow back to have those days were. Happy, joyful, excited, caring and loved.
Now however I am so miserable and isolated. Filled with anger. It’s my fault that I’m in the situation I must take responsibility.
The pain that I’m feeling is excruciating and scary. At night, I am scared the smallest sound triggers me and memories flood in.
Last night was my first night, in which, I cut myself deliberately. It helps the mental pain, briefly.
I have relapsed with my eating. I am now taking no smoothies or soup, so in effect I am starving myself because I hate how I feel and how I look.
My ex constantly told me off for how fat I had become and when I was over 100kg she would say “you’re one-tenth of a tonne”. I know she meant it as a joke and it’s like my jokes, but it hurt. I am so isolated that I want to die.
I find it very hard to change my way of thinking. My life situations have never been normal. They have been dangerous and very disturbing. These situations left me very #vulnerable to manipulation by those around me. Those people were in a position of authority, but also of trust, as a result they had power over me.
Those people by law had a duty to care for me. That was the very last thing they did. I am very critical of myself due to the treatment. I am reading an article I found on Psychology Today which discusses how we can change our way of thinking. The author Amy Morin states recognising “the blue thoughts” (2018). These are the thoughts that will lead us into a depressive state of mind and has an impact on our well-being (‘The Beginner’s Guide to Changing Negative Thoughts’).
My problem is, when I am in a depressive, a sad, state, beinging able to bring myself into a better mind set. I have no external people who can assist in changing my way of thinking. It is not like being on the television program ‘Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?’ Where a contestant can phone a friend!
What do you do to help yourself when you are in a blue moment? blue’ bluemoment?
References: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201 805/the-beginners-guide-changing-negative-thoughts