Thoughts of how I view the world.

Friday 19th April 2019 – Diary

Today I’ve been working on my blog and updating it. I have been busy doing this and did not notice my feelings.

I am lonely I wish I had someone with me that loved me for who I am. Normally I would be busy talking to my adopted daughter but she’s not online at the moment. Out of all the people on my list on Facebook there’s no one to talk to. It’s sad that I rely on social media to keep me content but I do not know any other way.

I am avoiding doing necessary tasks like cleaning my flat I don’t want to start but I know I should. I know I will get angry with myself for failing to do this but it seems such a big effort for little reward.

I am going to go to my writers group tonight it’s in the Jailhouse bar, my very first night going to this group was in this place and it took me forever to find it.

How can I win over my negativity? I must remain positive in my way of thinking.

Crippling Tendencies

Friday 8th March 2019 – Diary 

I deplore myself because I’ve got Emotionally Unstable Personality Dsorder (eupd).

I grab that anyone who makes contact with me is this the person that could just be the one that changes my life and becomes my soul mate?

Eupd is irrational, it makes the sufferer “grab’ at the slightest tiniest piece of hope and it makes them worry.  Have I said too much to that person?

Do they think I am worthy of their love, their care, their presence? We think negatively about ourselves am I not worthy of their loved or their time and so on.

How do We Overcome these negative tendencies that crippled our lives?

Emotional Unstable Personality Disorder (E. U. P. D.)

Wednesday 6th March 2019 – 09:30 – Diary

What I hate about emotionally unstable personality disorder and the other personal disorders that I’ve got is as following

I think for me it’s emotional cause I got emotional unstable personality disorder so one minute I could be friendly and then the next minute pushing away but I don’t mean to as the saying goes a push is better than a shove.  Or another way of putting it go before your thrown out I fear rejection more than anything else.

My emotions go from high, I’m excited with happiness to all of a sudden Sadness in a blink of an eye.  It hurts a lot.

My Vow to Myself

Wednesday 27th February 2019 – Diary

`Today I make a vow to myself and to you. That I will no longer cut or self-harm I owe it to myself. To learn to respect myself.

This will form most of my breakfast and I will add milk to make a smoothie. This is like a three course meal for me.

 

I added an extra banana two pairs 300g of natural yoghurt and 500 millilitres of milk. This is a lot for me so it will be my food for the day.

What do you have for your breakfast?

Further Emotional Pain

Thursday 21st February 2019 – Diary 

Trigger Warning

Last night I did another cut, I am hurting so much, I need to be able to talk, but I’ve got no one to talk to, and I can’t keep using helplines.

This morning I did another cut I feel so angry with myself for how I have treated my family, or should I say my ex-family.

I want to crawl out of my skin. I hate who I am. I hate how I feel. I hate how I look. I don’t know how I can stop this self mutating because I am hurting so much.

I am lost.