Diary

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Getting Healthier

Tuesday 5th March 2019 – Diary

Since joining the Facebook groups over the last few days people having very understanding and caring.  They have not judged me for my many difficulties.

There has been one particular person from East Midlands who spent hours talking to me.  It felt good that she took an interest in me as a person.

It is very nice to have this interaction with people.  The last year I have had very little opportunity to talk with other people.

I have been emotionally and physically wrapped up in my own emotional problems and Crisis that I had not given myself the necessary chances to develop potential friendships.

I felt a lot of the stuff I spoke to this person was gibberish and unimportant, however I was not judged publicly, or is indeed at all.  I was not made to feel stupid neither which has often been the case in the past.

I owe it to my son to lead a healthy, safe, happy and positive life.  I need to take small but consistent steps to develop this outlook.

I need to remind myself that there will be times when I feel that I am failing in this determination.

This morning I posted the following blog:

Getting to Grips with my life.

Getting to Grips and coming to terms with my new life.  I will need your help to continue being positive.  When I fall down, please help me back up.
#Borderline #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #borderlinestrong #depression #depressed #loneliness https://t.co/fn5fvsoRkc

I chanted that today is a new beginning and that I do not return 2 my self destructive ways.

Sir Graham the Cat – Completed

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Monday 4th March 2019 – Diary 

 

Finished with the drawing of Sir Graham the Cat.

Basically I have a contact on my Twitter. This person had a picture of this cat. I was intrigued as to why the cat was sitting on the dashboard. I thought it was ‘stuffed’. The person replied and told me they live in New South Wales in Austrial and that the cat sits there when they are driving around. I asked if it was ok for me to draw it. The cat is called Sir Graham.

Fruit v Veg

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Sunday 3rd March 2019 – Food

Thank you for the people who kindly told me off for the amount of sugar that I was consuming throught smoothies.

No smoothie today or tomorrow.

So today’s food is soup, there is broccoli, cauliflower, peppers, spinach, sweetcorn and potatoes. 300 mils of milk. Obviously I have leftovers, I have managed to eat one bowl and I’m hoping that it will stay were it should do.

I have enough leftovers for two days worth of food.

I hate battling this eating disorder.

Potatoes, broccoli, cauliflower, carrots, sweet corn, mixed peppers, spinach and milk.

Sir Graham – THE CAT!

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9th April 2019 – Diary

One of my current Art Projects

I asked this lovely lady on Instagram if I could draw her cat. I could not believe that it was real, sitting in the car at the window screen. This is the journey so far. I will be finishing the project fairly soon.

Please go and say hello, to Sherie, Miss Beast! https://www.instagram.com/miss_beast/

Outline of Sir Graham
Using a H5 and H2 pencils. Single strokes.
Bottom and left hand side is done using H7, H8, H9 and H10 pencils. Again Single strokes.
Using a blender to make the light baqckground blend in. Finished project coming soon!
Sir Graham and Sherie! https://www.instagram.com/_miss_beast_/

 

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Research; Men & Eating Disorders

Friday 22nd February 2019 – Diary

Trigger Warning,

Today, I have had a part successful day. Also part failure. I got out of my bed at 10:00 in the morning. I did not sleep well as normal.

I went and collected my medication and then went to drop a note off to my GP explaining that I was texting my Care Coordinator also referred to as CPN or Mental Health Nurse. They have not been replying to any of my messages and that is why I have begun cutting. I have no one to talk to and I am fed up with my noise in the head.

I was going to an organisation who helps vulnerble people. Then I sent an angry message to my CPN and Psycharist. The Psycharist replied which I was suprised because I thought she was off on holiday.

She told me to go straight to her and speak with her. She spent a while listening to me and understanding how lost of my son and the lost of my wife has had an impact upon me.

I told her that I was concerned about how my lack of eating is. She is concerned that I am hoping that the Eating Disorder team will solve my problems. She suggested that actually my experiences may ‘freak’ them out as they are very unlikely to have seen such a case as mine. She said that most of their patients will be women and adolescents.

According to the Guardian newspaper there has been a slight increase in men in my age group 26 – 40. They state that 67% of men in my age group have identified as having an eating disorder.

“The rate of increase was slightly higher among older men, at 70% for the 41-60 age group, compared with 67% in the 26-40 category and 63% among 19- to 25-year-olds. In the same period, there was a 61% increase among women aged 19 to 25 and a 76% rise among middle-aged women.” (Guardian, 1st July 2017 [online] 22/02/2019

I missed my appointment with the organisation in Croydon. However, I went to Croydon to buy my bits and pieces. I was dforced to spend just under two hours arguing with Ebay about changing my mobile number on my account. I am 90% deaf. I lost my mobile. I was transferred three times, an hour and and 20 minutes later I was finally put through to a manager as I still had not had my problem sorted out. I was told to ring. If I am deaf, get family or friends to ring! I told the man on the chat, I do not have family or friends to help me. So I went around in circles. I then relied on Text Relay. https://www.ngts.org.uk/  to handle my call. As I can speak the operator texts me the other persons response to me. I was not shy in giving the Ebay manager a good telling of. Eventually, after being on the call for one hour and fifty seven minutes I got the mobile number changed.

I was and still am very upset in the the way they treated me. I was disrespected and my inabilities were completely ignored. It is very distressing for someone who has my type of mental health issues to be treated in this way. We can be told “it is our responsibility how we react”. But companies and people need to be aware of Mental Health Matters.

Part of me agrees that the Eating Disorder team may not be able to cope with my problems. But is it right that I am not getting any talking therapy? I cannot simply rely on helplines. I am not prepared to repeat my story all the time.

References:

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2017/jul/31/eating-disorders-in-men-rise-by-70-in-nhs-figures

https://www.ngts.org.uk

What’s In My Mind Constantly

Thursday 13th June 2019 – Diary

#I

I am dealing with a lot of #stress I #need a way of #release
#mentalhealth #loneliness #love #job #employment #health #money
#son #exwife #eafingdisorder #feelings #Future #Hope #WomenIssues #FemaleIssues #permanenthousing
#Housing #family #History #Anger #How #When #What #Where #Who #Why #lifeisheavy
#transgender #trans #transisbeautiful #transwoman
#anorexic #anorexia #bulimia #bulimic trying to #recover

First Dress

Tuesday 11th June 2019 – Diary

Today I’ve got a CT scan quite nervous last time I had one was when I had meningitis, it was 21 years ago. Thankfully I’m in better shape, and I was 21 years ago. I was given 24 hours to live when I have the meningitis which family was quite scary but I was homeless at the time.

#

OOTD #nofilter #dress

#makeup #mascara #blush #eyebrowliner #lipliner #noconcealer

#purplehair

#transwoman #transisbeautiful #transgender #trans

#anorexia #anorexic #bulimia #bulimic trying to #recover

My Coming Out Story

I want to share my coming out story:

Trigger warning:

12 weeks ago I was becoming very suicidal and more depressed. In fact on the 21st of March I saw my local doctor. She was so concerned about how low I was. She asked my psychiatrist to see me urgently.

The following day the 22nd of March I saw my psychiatrist. She was considering admitting me to hospital as I was telling her how I planned to end my life. We also discussed increasing my anti-depressants.

That night I spoke with a Trans woman on Facebook. I spoke for some hours.

I came out. I felt liberated. Suddenly that depression I had built up over 33 years had gone.

As a child I was raped by my mother and father. I was abused in care and I was raped for putting on dresses by the Catholic Priests. “I will show you what it is to be a girl” I didn’t think of it again. I was seven when the priests started doing it. It didn’t stop until I was 15.

I hate and love myself. My half sister was also abusing me from the ages of four to eleven. She was nine years older than me.

Anyhow, I went back to seeing my local doctor who was taken aback by how I was smiling and being happy. This was only four days after my last time I saw her.

I am now off my anti-depressants for the first time in 36 years.

Woke Up Frightened

Friday 7th June 2019 – Diary

I woke up screaming. I was dreaming that a child was being taken away but jumped out of a window. It was suicide.

A noise was beeping away in my room. It was someone desperately trying to get my attention on messenger.

This person does not normally ask for help. I knew there was a reason why they had not been in contact.

They did not want to burden me with their problems. Sharing your problems is not burdensome. Trying to get people to open up, is!

A problem shared is a problem halved. Seek and we shall find. Ignore and the problem becomes bigger.

I am here for all of you, anytime day or night, suicide is not the answer. I am a Buddhist. If we don’t solve our problems they just carry on life after life. Now is the time to shine.

Karma!

Tuesday 21st May 2019 – Diary

On Sunday I had a fantastic time at the temple in North West London. The people were amazing. For the first time in eleven months I ate three meals in space of twelve hours. A lot of the meeting was in the language for people who come from Sri Lanka. I had enough English to understand what was being said and I did not feel left out at all.

The attitude of the people on Sunday has not been the same for those on Facebook and Twitter. I have had nothing but threats and bad mouthing about me. That is fine. If people want to harp on about my past there is nothing I can do to stop them. But I am not going to be dragged back into my past and relive it when the few want me to. I am better than that.

One thing I was reminded of on Sunday was the Buddhist precepts.
Right view,

Right thought,

Right action,

Not to steal,

Refrain from sexual misconduct,

Not to kill any living being (thing).

According to: https://www.accesstoinsight.org/ptf/dhamma/sila/pancasila.html (21/05/2019)

The Five Precepts:

1. Panatipata veramani sikkhapadam samadiyami
I undertake the precept to refrain from destroying living creatures.

2. Adinnadana veramani sikkhapadam samadiyami
I undertake the precept to refrain from taking that which is not given.

3. Kamesu micchacara veramani sikkhapadam samadiyami
I undertake the precept to refrain from sexual misconduct.

4. Musavada veramani sikkhapadam samadiyami
I undertake the precept to refrain from incorrect speech.

5. Suramerayamajja pamadatthana veramani sikkhapadam samadiyami
I undertake the precept to refrain from intoxicating drinks and drugs which lead to carelessness.

I do not fight back when people say misleading things about me. I believe in Karma, that Karma will repay the deed.

My First Snack No Guilt!

Tuesday 14th May 2019 – Diary

Busy going to be late home. Meditating that Sim will contact me. (Chinese lady.) One needs energy!

ith my Busy #schedule #difficult #toeat #follow I had a #coffee and #chocolatecake first time didn’t feel #guilty for #eating

The only thing that saved me from trying to stop going into #hospital with my #eatingdisorder is #drinking #hotchocolate I suffer from three eating disorders #bulimia #anorexia #arfid #bulimiafighter #bulimiclife #bulimianervosarecovery #bulimiarecovery#eatingdisorderawareness #eating #arfidrecovery #mixedpeppers #brocoli #greenbeans potato #spinach #garlic #ginger #trans #transisbeautiful #transwoman #transgender
help me someone 😰😫😭

Tonight’s Food Already Prepared

Tuesday 14th May 2019 – Food

Busy #schedule #difficult #toeat #follow . The only thing that saved me from trying to stop going into #hospital with my #eatingdisorder is #drinking #hotchocolate .

I

suffer from three eating disorders #bulimia #anorexia #arfid #bulimiafighter #bulimiclife #bulimianervosarecovery #bulimiarecovery#eatingdisorderawareness #eating #arfidrecovery #mixedpeppers #brocoli #greenbeans potato #spinach #garlic #ginger #trans #transisbeautiful #transwoman #transgender
help me someone 😰😫😭

Proud of myself

Tuesday 14th May 2019 – Diary

On Sunday I met this is beautiful Chinese lady by chance on the Tube (London Underground). She was so beautiful my type of woman. We quickly talked and I gave her my Instagram.

I am just dying for her to contact me now. She is doing a film degree. Amazing!

Yesterday! I ate 95% pot of Congee, Rice Porridge. This is the first time I succeeded.

 

 

Omelette and Spinach

Thursday 9th May 2019 – Food

#trans #transisbeautiful#transwoman
The only thing that saved me from trying to stop going into #hospital with my #eatingdisorder is #drinking #hotchocolate
I suffer from three eating disorders #bulimiarecovery#bulimiafighter #bulimiclife#bulimianervosarecovery #eatingdisorderawareness#eating #arfid #arfidrecovery #omelette#mushrooms #spinach #garlic #ginger
help me someone 😰😫😭

Puma

Thursday 9th May 2019 – Artwork

Puma, Belize, Central America, Frans Lanting, date not known

Ang, T; (2014) ‘Photography, The Definitive Visual History’, Dorling Kindersley Limited, London; page 301. Original Work Created by: [ Frans Lanting; Puma; DATE NOT KNOWN ] #FransLanting #pencildrawing #pencil #pencilsketch #pencildrawings #pencilart #pencilartwork #shading #eraser #h1 #h3 #b1 #b2 #b3 #b4 #b5 #b6 #hb #hatching #art #artist #artistsoninstagram #ang #tomang #photography #photographyofvisual #photographythedefinitivevisualhistory #dorkingkindersley

Steel Plant

Thursday 9th May 2019 – Artwork

Steel Plant, Pittsburgh, 1955 by Eugene Smith

Ang, T; (2014) ‘Photography, The Definitive Visual History’, Dorling Kindersley Limited, London; page 248 – 249. Original Work Created by: [ Eugene Smith; Steel Plant; 1955 ] #EugeneSmith #pencildrawing #pencil #pencilsketch #pencildrawings #pencilart #pencilartwork #shading #eraser #h1 #h3 #b1 #b2 #b3 #b4 #b5 #b6 #hb #hatching #art #artist #artistsoninstagram #ang #tomang #photography #photographyofvisual #photographythedefinitivevisualhistory #dorkingkindersley

Hot Shot Eastbound

Thursday 9th May 2019 – Artwork

Part 1 of 4
Part 2 of 4
Part 3 of 4
Part 4 of 4

I have had to adapted this picture. This was done larger than A3. My scanner could not scan and therefore I had to cut the drawing up. I could not do the full detail of the drawing and as such have input my own details.

Hot Shot Eastbound, by Ogle Winston Link, in 1956

Ang, T; (2014) ‘Photography, The Definitive Visual History’, Dorling Kindersley Limited, London; page 228 – 229. Original Work Created by: [ Ogle Winston Link; Hot Shot Eastbound; 1956] # Ogle Winston Link #pencildrawing #pencil #pencilsketch #pencildrawings #pencilart #pencilartwork #shading #eraser #h1 #h3 #b1 #b2 #b3 #b4 #b5 #b6 #hb #hatching #art #artist #artistsoninstagram #ang #tomang #photography #photographyofvisual #photographythedefinitivevisualhistory #dorkingkindersley

Main Street of Corleone

Thursday 9th May 2019 – Artwork

Main Street of Corleone by Sergio Larrain in 1959

Ang, T; (2014) ‘Photography, The Definitive Visual History’, Dorling Kindersley Limited, London; page 223. Original Work Created by: [ Sergio Larrain; Main Street of Corleone; 1959 ] #SergioLarrain #pencildrawing #pencil #pencilsketch #pencildrawings #pencilart #pencilartwork #shading #eraser #h1 #h3 #b1 #b2 #b3 #b4 #b5 #b6 #hb #hatching #art #artist #artistsoninstagram #ang #tomang #photography #photographyofvisual #photographythedefinitivevisualhistory #dorkingkindersley