What’s In My Mind Constantly

Thursday 13th June 2019 – Diary

#I

I am dealing with a lot of #stress I #need a way of #release
#mentalhealth #loneliness #love #job #employment #health #money
#son #exwife #eafingdisorder #feelings #Future #Hope #WomenIssues #FemaleIssues #permanenthousing
#Housing #family #History #Anger #How #When #What #Where #Who #Why #lifeisheavy
#transgender #trans #transisbeautiful #transwoman
#anorexic #anorexia #bulimia #bulimic trying to #recover

First Dress

Tuesday 11th June 2019 – Diary

Today I’ve got a CT scan quite nervous last time I had one was when I had meningitis, it was 21 years ago. Thankfully I’m in better shape, and I was 21 years ago. I was given 24 hours to live when I have the meningitis which family was quite scary but I was homeless at the time.

#

OOTD #nofilter #dress

#makeup #mascara #blush #eyebrowliner #lipliner #noconcealer

#purplehair

#transwoman #transisbeautiful #transgender #trans

#anorexia #anorexic #bulimia #bulimic trying to #recover

My Coming Out Story

I want to share my coming out story:

Trigger warning:

12 weeks ago I was becoming very suicidal and more depressed. In fact on the 21st of March I saw my local doctor. She was so concerned about how low I was. She asked my psychiatrist to see me urgently.

The following day the 22nd of March I saw my psychiatrist. She was considering admitting me to hospital as I was telling her how I planned to end my life. We also discussed increasing my anti-depressants.

That night I spoke with a Trans woman on Facebook. I spoke for some hours.

I came out. I felt liberated. Suddenly that depression I had built up over 33 years had gone.

As a child I was raped by my mother and father. I was abused in care and I was raped for putting on dresses by the Catholic Priests. “I will show you what it is to be a girl” I didn’t think of it again. I was seven when the priests started doing it. It didn’t stop until I was 15.

I hate and love myself. My half sister was also abusing me from the ages of four to eleven. She was nine years older than me.

Anyhow, I went back to seeing my local doctor who was taken aback by how I was smiling and being happy. This was only four days after my last time I saw her.

I am now off my anti-depressants for the first time in 36 years.

Woke Up Frightened

Friday 7th June 2019 – Diary

I woke up screaming. I was dreaming that a child was being taken away but jumped out of a window. It was suicide.

A noise was beeping away in my room. It was someone desperately trying to get my attention on messenger.

This person does not normally ask for help. I knew there was a reason why they had not been in contact.

They did not want to burden me with their problems. Sharing your problems is not burdensome. Trying to get people to open up, is!

A problem shared is a problem halved. Seek and we shall find. Ignore and the problem becomes bigger.

I am here for all of you, anytime day or night, suicide is not the answer. I am a Buddhist. If we don’t solve our problems they just carry on life after life. Now is the time to shine.

Be different

Tuesday 8th of May 2019 – Diary

Yesterday was a strange day for me. I was talking to my daughter who lives in Philippines for quite a bit. She is such a lovely young lady. I treasure my time with her online as it is precious. I wish I could spend more time with her.

I was busy doing my makeup when she was asking me questions. I’m so happy that she was paying attention to me. She was tired but yet she was willing to stay awake and make sure that I was ok. That is precious.

I may not be her biological mother but we treat each other as if they were mother and daughter. When I can’t talk to her I feel down but she’s in my mind. The other day she asked me to send her a photograph I didn’t want to because it showed that I was upset full stop but within minutes of talking with her my face lit up.

She wants my attention and I want her attention just like a mother and daughter should. I would do anything for her which is possible.

May Bank Holiday

Tuesday 7th May 2019 – Diary

Being taken off Facebook in such an adbrupt way has caused me to struggle to know what to do with my time. I also struggled because I didn’t have contact with my daughter for 2 days and that made me feel sad. Just talking with her makes me so happy.

Yesterday Monday, bank holiday I managed to eat 2 bowls of porridge some people might think wow what a big deal. For me it is a massive deal because I didn’t eat properly, practically nothing for 3 weeks.

Today I’m going to a new Buddhist School. I’m excited because my mentor will be there hopefully. I met him 2013 and he introduced me too proper Buddhism were I need to understand the practicalities of Buddhist study. I’m not belittling the Japanese Buddhism that I followed for 19 years. The rituals are important and he taught me why there was certain importance or certain things. I know I like to understand the tiniest detail(s) I am looking forward to this new start. He introduced me to Terevada Buddhism (not sure spelling!)