What’s In My Mind Constantly

Thursday 13th June 2019 – Diary

#I

I am dealing with a lot of #stress I #need a way of #release
#mentalhealth #loneliness #love #job #employment #health #money
#son #exwife #eafingdisorder #feelings #Future #Hope #WomenIssues #FemaleIssues #permanenthousing
#Housing #family #History #Anger #How #When #What #Where #Who #Why #lifeisheavy
#transgender #trans #transisbeautiful #transwoman
#anorexic #anorexia #bulimia #bulimic trying to #recover

First Dress

Tuesday 11th June 2019 – Diary

Today I’ve got a CT scan quite nervous last time I had one was when I had meningitis, it was 21 years ago. Thankfully I’m in better shape, and I was 21 years ago. I was given 24 hours to live when I have the meningitis which family was quite scary but I was homeless at the time.

#

OOTD #nofilter #dress

#makeup #mascara #blush #eyebrowliner #lipliner #noconcealer

#purplehair

#transwoman #transisbeautiful #transgender #trans

#anorexia #anorexic #bulimia #bulimic trying to #recover

My Coming Out Story

I want to share my coming out story:

Trigger warning:

12 weeks ago I was becoming very suicidal and more depressed. In fact on the 21st of March I saw my local doctor. She was so concerned about how low I was. She asked my psychiatrist to see me urgently.

The following day the 22nd of March I saw my psychiatrist. She was considering admitting me to hospital as I was telling her how I planned to end my life. We also discussed increasing my anti-depressants.

That night I spoke with a Trans woman on Facebook. I spoke for some hours.

I came out. I felt liberated. Suddenly that depression I had built up over 33 years had gone.

As a child I was raped by my mother and father. I was abused in care and I was raped for putting on dresses by the Catholic Priests. “I will show you what it is to be a girl” I didn’t think of it again. I was seven when the priests started doing it. It didn’t stop until I was 15.

I hate and love myself. My half sister was also abusing me from the ages of four to eleven. She was nine years older than me.

Anyhow, I went back to seeing my local doctor who was taken aback by how I was smiling and being happy. This was only four days after my last time I saw her.

I am now off my anti-depressants for the first time in 36 years.

Woke Up Frightened

Friday 7th June 2019 – Diary

I woke up screaming. I was dreaming that a child was being taken away but jumped out of a window. It was suicide.

A noise was beeping away in my room. It was someone desperately trying to get my attention on messenger.

This person does not normally ask for help. I knew there was a reason why they had not been in contact.

They did not want to burden me with their problems. Sharing your problems is not burdensome. Trying to get people to open up, is!

A problem shared is a problem halved. Seek and we shall find. Ignore and the problem becomes bigger.

I am here for all of you, anytime day or night, suicide is not the answer. I am a Buddhist. If we don’t solve our problems they just carry on life after life. Now is the time to shine.

Karma!

Tuesday 21st May 2019 – Diary

On Sunday I had a fantastic time at the temple in North West London. The people were amazing. For the first time in eleven months I ate three meals in space of twelve hours. A lot of the meeting was in the language for people who come from Sri Lanka. I had enough English to understand what was being said and I did not feel left out at all.

The attitude of the people on Sunday has not been the same for those on Facebook and Twitter. I have had nothing but threats and bad mouthing about me. That is fine. If people want to harp on about my past there is nothing I can do to stop them. But I am not going to be dragged back into my past and relive it when the few want me to. I am better than that.

One thing I was reminded of on Sunday was the Buddhist precepts.
Right view,

Right thought,

Right action,

Not to steal,

Refrain from sexual misconduct,

Not to kill any living being (thing).

According to: https://www.accesstoinsight.org/ptf/dhamma/sila/pancasila.html (21/05/2019)

The Five Precepts:

1. Panatipata veramani sikkhapadam samadiyami
I undertake the precept to refrain from destroying living creatures.

2. Adinnadana veramani sikkhapadam samadiyami
I undertake the precept to refrain from taking that which is not given.

3. Kamesu micchacara veramani sikkhapadam samadiyami
I undertake the precept to refrain from sexual misconduct.

4. Musavada veramani sikkhapadam samadiyami
I undertake the precept to refrain from incorrect speech.

5. Suramerayamajja pamadatthana veramani sikkhapadam samadiyami
I undertake the precept to refrain from intoxicating drinks and drugs which lead to carelessness.

I do not fight back when people say misleading things about me. I believe in Karma, that Karma will repay the deed.

My First Snack No Guilt!

Tuesday 14th May 2019 – Diary

Busy going to be late home. Meditating that Sim will contact me. (Chinese lady.) One needs energy!

ith my Busy #schedule #difficult #toeat #follow I had a #coffee and #chocolatecake first time didn’t feel #guilty for #eating

The only thing that saved me from trying to stop going into #hospital with my #eatingdisorder is #drinking #hotchocolate I suffer from three eating disorders #bulimia #anorexia #arfid #bulimiafighter #bulimiclife #bulimianervosarecovery #bulimiarecovery#eatingdisorderawareness #eating #arfidrecovery #mixedpeppers #brocoli #greenbeans potato #spinach #garlic #ginger #trans #transisbeautiful #transwoman #transgender
help me someone 😰😫😭

Tonight’s Food Already Prepared

Tuesday 14th May 2019 – Food

Busy #schedule #difficult #toeat #follow . The only thing that saved me from trying to stop going into #hospital with my #eatingdisorder is #drinking #hotchocolate .

I

suffer from three eating disorders #bulimia #anorexia #arfid #bulimiafighter #bulimiclife #bulimianervosarecovery #bulimiarecovery#eatingdisorderawareness #eating #arfidrecovery #mixedpeppers #brocoli #greenbeans potato #spinach #garlic #ginger #trans #transisbeautiful #transwoman #transgender
help me someone 😰😫😭

Proud of myself

Tuesday 14th May 2019 – Diary

On Sunday I met this is beautiful Chinese lady by chance on the Tube (London Underground). She was so beautiful my type of woman. We quickly talked and I gave her my Instagram.

I am just dying for her to contact me now. She is doing a film degree. Amazing!

Yesterday! I ate 95% pot of Congee, Rice Porridge. This is the first time I succeeded.

 

 

Omelette and Spinach

Thursday 9th May 2019 – Food

#trans #transisbeautiful#transwoman
The only thing that saved me from trying to stop going into #hospital with my #eatingdisorder is #drinking #hotchocolate
I suffer from three eating disorders #bulimiarecovery#bulimiafighter #bulimiclife#bulimianervosarecovery #eatingdisorderawareness#eating #arfid #arfidrecovery #omelette#mushrooms #spinach #garlic #ginger
help me someone 😰😫😭

Puma

Thursday 9th May 2019 – Artwork

Puma, Belize, Central America, Frans Lanting, date not known

Ang, T; (2014) ‘Photography, The Definitive Visual History’, Dorling Kindersley Limited, London; page 301. Original Work Created by: [ Frans Lanting; Puma; DATE NOT KNOWN ] #FransLanting #pencildrawing #pencil #pencilsketch #pencildrawings #pencilart #pencilartwork #shading #eraser #h1 #h3 #b1 #b2 #b3 #b4 #b5 #b6 #hb #hatching #art #artist #artistsoninstagram #ang #tomang #photography #photographyofvisual #photographythedefinitivevisualhistory #dorkingkindersley

Steel Plant

Thursday 9th May 2019 – Artwork

Steel Plant, Pittsburgh, 1955 by Eugene Smith

Ang, T; (2014) ‘Photography, The Definitive Visual History’, Dorling Kindersley Limited, London; page 248 – 249. Original Work Created by: [ Eugene Smith; Steel Plant; 1955 ] #EugeneSmith #pencildrawing #pencil #pencilsketch #pencildrawings #pencilart #pencilartwork #shading #eraser #h1 #h3 #b1 #b2 #b3 #b4 #b5 #b6 #hb #hatching #art #artist #artistsoninstagram #ang #tomang #photography #photographyofvisual #photographythedefinitivevisualhistory #dorkingkindersley

Hot Shot Eastbound

Thursday 9th May 2019 – Artwork

Part 1 of 4
Part 2 of 4
Part 3 of 4
Part 4 of 4

I have had to adapted this picture. This was done larger than A3. My scanner could not scan and therefore I had to cut the drawing up. I could not do the full detail of the drawing and as such have input my own details.

Hot Shot Eastbound, by Ogle Winston Link, in 1956

Ang, T; (2014) ‘Photography, The Definitive Visual History’, Dorling Kindersley Limited, London; page 228 – 229. Original Work Created by: [ Ogle Winston Link; Hot Shot Eastbound; 1956] # Ogle Winston Link #pencildrawing #pencil #pencilsketch #pencildrawings #pencilart #pencilartwork #shading #eraser #h1 #h3 #b1 #b2 #b3 #b4 #b5 #b6 #hb #hatching #art #artist #artistsoninstagram #ang #tomang #photography #photographyofvisual #photographythedefinitivevisualhistory #dorkingkindersley

Main Street of Corleone

Thursday 9th May 2019 – Artwork

Main Street of Corleone by Sergio Larrain in 1959

Ang, T; (2014) ‘Photography, The Definitive Visual History’, Dorling Kindersley Limited, London; page 223. Original Work Created by: [ Sergio Larrain; Main Street of Corleone; 1959 ] #SergioLarrain #pencildrawing #pencil #pencilsketch #pencildrawings #pencilart #pencilartwork #shading #eraser #h1 #h3 #b1 #b2 #b3 #b4 #b5 #b6 #hb #hatching #art #artist #artistsoninstagram #ang #tomang #photography #photographyofvisual #photographythedefinitivevisualhistory #dorkingkindersley